If you’re about to divorce a narcissistic spouse, you might want to give the 1944 film, Gaslight, another viewing. In this suspense thriller, the husband (Maurice Chevalier) literally tries to drive his young wife (Ingrid Bergman) insane to cover up his crimes. It’s the source of the term “gaslighting,” commonly used today to describe the manipulative tactics of a narcissist, who is determined to make someone believe a weirdly concocted story rather than the evidence of their own eyes. The movie is also a great primer for the process of divorcing a narcissist.
Under the best of circumstances, divorce can be emotionally and financially draining. But when your spouse is a narcissist, the process becomes even more complex. Narcissistic behavior is manipulative, self-centered, and destructive, making it challenging to navigate legal proceedings. Understanding how to deal with a narcissistic spouse in the context of a divorce, particularly regarding child custody and property division, requires careful strategy and preparation. In this article, we shall try to understand the key traits of narcissism and offer practical strategies for litigating the most contentious issues of your divorce.
The Psychological Profile of a Narcissist
Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, an addiction to adulation, and an almost total absence of empathy. Narcissists often believe they are superior to others and expect special treatment. They tend to manipulate people to get what they want, and when faced with setbacks or criticism, they react with anger, defensiveness, or complaints of victimization. Their interactions with others are generally self-serving, and they have difficulty forming genuine relationships. Narcissists also tend to exploit others for their personal gain and can be emotionally abusive.
In a divorce, a narcissist may attempt to control or manipulate the process, making it difficult for their spouse to navigate the legal terrain. Recognizing these traits is critical for any partner seeking to end a relationship with a narcissist, particularly when children and property are involved.
How Narcissism Differs in Men and Women
Narcissism manifests differently in men and women, which can influence how they act in relationships and during a divorce.
- Men — Typically, male narcissists are more overt in their grandiosity and entitlement. They may express a need for dominance and control in their personal and professional lives, often seeking power and recognition. Narcissistic men may view their spouse as a means to an end, regarding her as an accessory to their image or a tool to maintain their lifestyle. During a divorce, they might be combative, using the legal process to try to reassert their dominance.
- Women — Female narcissists, while still grandiose, are often more covert in their behavior. They may use manipulation, guilt, and emotional abuse to control their partners. In a divorce, a narcissistic woman may attempt to manipulate the legal system by portraying herself as the victim or by using her children to gain an advantage. Female narcissists often use charm and social skills to garner sympathy from others, including family, friends, and the courts.
Regardless of gender, narcissists are difficult to deal with in legal matters, as they often prioritize their own interests over everything else.
How Narcissists View Disagreements and Confrontation
Narcissists view any disagreement as a threat to their inflated self-image. They are incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective and will likely respond to confrontation by either denying responsibility or projecting blame onto others. Their primary objective in any argument is to maintain their sense of superiority, which can make divorce proceedings particularly difficult.
In legal disputes, a narcissist may use aggressive tactics to undermine their spouse’s position, making it seem as though they are right and the other person is wrong. They might distort facts, manipulate emotions, or even use the children as pawns to further their agenda. Recognizing this dynamic is crucial for developing an effective strategy when divorcing a narcissist.
How to Argue with a Narcissist
Arguing with a narcissist is often fruitless, but divorce makes it necessary, at least to an extent. You’ll do better by taking a strategic approach and following these tips:
- Keep exchanges brief and factual — Narcissists thrive on emotional manipulation and may try to divert the conversation to serve their own interests. Stick to the facts and avoid getting emotionally entangled.
- Don’t expect empathy — A narcissist’s lack of empathy means they will not respond authentically to your emotional stress.
- Set boundaries — Be firm about what you will and will not tolerate. Narcissists are notorious for pushing boundaries, so you must be clear about behaviors you will not tolerate.
- Document everything — Narcissists often lie or manipulate facts to support their position. To protect yourself, keep thorough records of communications, agreements, and any interactions that might become relevant to the divorce or custody case.
- Don’t take anything personally —Narcissists frequently engage in personal attacks to provoke emotional reactions. Remember, their behavior reflects their own insecurity, not your shortcomings.
Bear in mind that your narcissistic spouse will use every opportunity to gaslight you. To process this manipulation in a healthy way, you might consider seeing a counselor or therapist who can help you maintain your firm grasp on reality.
Traits of a Narcissistic Parent
When it comes to child custody, the behavior of a narcissistic parent can be especially damaging. Narcissistic parents are often emotionally neglectful, manipulative, and controlling. They may use their children as tools to hurt their ex-spouse, demanding excessive attention from the children or making them feel responsible for the parent’s emotional needs.
Common traits of a narcissistic parent include:
- Emotional unavailability: Narcissistic parents may be neglectful of their children’s emotional needs, focusing instead on their own desires or image.
- Inconsistent parenting: Narcissists are unpredictable, making it difficult for children to feel secure.
- Using children as pawns: Narcissistic parents often manipulate children to achieve their own goals, such as attempting to turn them against the other parent or using them to gain sympathy or leverage in court.
- Controlling behavior: Narcissists may attempt to control their children’s lives, pushing them to excel in areas that benefit the narcissistic parent’s image.
Because granting custody to a narcissistic parent can be damaging to a child, you are justified in fighting for sole physical and legal custody. Courts must consider pertinent factors, such as the child’s relationship with each parent, each parent’s ability to provide for the child’s needs, and whether each parent can encourage (or at least not impede) a loving bond between the child and the other parent.
These are areas where narcissists consistently come up short.
How Evidence of Your Spouse’s Narcissism Can Strengthen Your Case for Child Custody
Evidence of a narcissistic parent’s behavior can undercut their case for child custody. Key types of evidence include:
- Testimony from witnesses: Friends, family members, or even professionals (e.g., therapists) can testify to the narcissistic behavior of the other parent and how it has impacted the child.
- Documented instances of manipulation or control: If you can document times when the narcissistic parent manipulated the child or used them as a pawn in the divorce, this evidence will be important in demonstrating their harmful behavior.
- Expert evaluations: In some cases, a psychologist or psychiatrist can provide expert testimony about the narcissistic traits of the other parent and how these traits impact their ability to parent effectively.
- Recorded communications: Emails, text messages, or other communications where the narcissistic parent engages in manipulative or abusive behavior can serve as valuable evidence in your case.
If you can demonstrate that your spouse’s prior actions have been harmful to your child’s well-being, you can prevail in your custody battle.
Securing Your Financial Future
Narcissistic spouses often attempt to control finances during the marriage and may continue to do so during the divorce. In many cases, a narcissistic spouse will attempt to hide assets or manipulate financial records to avoid sharing a fair portion of the marital property.
To protect your financial future, gathering a comprehensive list of all assets and liabilities, including those that may be hidden or undervalued, is essential. This can require assistance from a forensic accountant.
You must also exercise control over any joint accounts or credit cards your spouse might use to accrue debt during the divorce. Narcissists are often willing to rack up significant debt to maintain control or retaliate against their spouse.
Prepare Yourself for Prolonged Litigation
Narcissists often engage in prolonged litigation to assert dominance over a spouse and wear them down, emotionally and financially. The narcissist might refuse to cooperate in settlement negotiations, drag out the process with unnecessary motions, or try to intimidate their spouse into accepting unfavorable terms. You must be mentally prepared for a lengthy and contentious divorce process.
Hiring a Skilled Divorce Attorney with Experience in High-Conflict Cases
Divorcing a narcissist requires a lawyer who understands how to handle high-conflict divorce situations. Ask prospective attorneys about their experience in emotionally charged, high-conflict divorces where the opposing party seemed to suffer from a personality disorder. An attorney with such experience will be able to anticipate the strategies a narcissistic spouse might use and know how to counter them. Your attorney can employ tactics to keep the case moving forward, avoid unnecessary delays, and give you peace of mind.
Divorcing a narcissist requires careful planning, strategic thinking, and emotional resilience. With the proper mindset, effective strategies, and skilled representation, you can protect yourself and your children and increase your chances of achieving a favorable outcome.