The holidays can be the best of times. They can also be a challenging time for parents navigating the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. Things can get much more complicated when this happens to parents whose former spouse lives in a different state.
During the holidays, we spend time with our families; we remember the holidays of the past; everything seems to happen at a higher emotional frequency. If you are in the midst of a divorce, it’s essential to acknowledge these emotions and find ways to manage them. Especially if you are still working out your parenting plan, you will need to negotiate a great deal in order to reach an understanding with your ex. And even when the agreement is reached amicably, the logistics can be tremendously challenging for out-of-state parents.
The bottom line is, you want your children to have a wonderful holiday experience. And that is not going to happen if you are arguing with your former spouse day in and day out. According to Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D., who specializes in the psychology of divorce, “Children can feel a sense of loss during the first holiday season after a separation or divorce. In addition, they may feel caught between you and your ex. They might worry about the parents they aren’t with or miss them. They might feel guilty about a parent spending the holiday alone. They may be caught in a loyalty bind.”
The last thing you want is for your children to feel lost, confused, or guilty about leaving the other parent alone during that special time of the year. Whenever children are involved, we must prioritize their health and well-being. While coordination, flight arrangements, and deciding who gets which holiday can be very challenging, there are some strategies you can implement to minimize the hassle and ensure your kids have a great holiday experience.
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Check Your Parenting Plan
The parenting plan is the ABC of divorce. If you live in Utah and your ex lives in Maine, you will have to work something out. The best solution is always an amicable solution. Can you live without Christmas or Hanukkah if you get New Year’s? Will you allow your kids to stay with the other parent if your teen daughter is invited to parties during the holidays in that parent’s town?
Sometimes, parenting plans establish rules for the holidays. If the divorce is very contentious, it is a good idea to lay down these types of rules, at least some basic ones. They can save you a lot of drama down the line.
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Be Mindful of Family Traditions
So, you are recently divorced, and you want your kids for the holidays. The problem is, while you were married, the family always spent Christmas with your in-laws. Your former spouse’s many siblings have kids, and your own children are used to spending Christmas with all their cousins. They have numerous “waiting for Santa” rituals, etc.
Since your kids are just getting adjusted to the divorce, it may be a good idea to avoid disrupting these types of traditions and rituals. If you live in a different state, the last thing your kids want is to be hundreds of miles away from their beloved cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents.
This doesn’t mean you have to relinquish your rights. Perhaps a transition time is needed. And once your kids have found some new stability in the new situation, you and your ex can start alternating between holidays.
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Different States, Different Laws
Navigating an out-of-state divorce can be challenging for the layperson. You want a certain kind of arrangement for the holidays, but depending on where you and your ex are located, different rules may apply. In some states, you are required by law to notify the other parent if you are taking your kids to a different state. And if they object, a hearing may ensue.
Your out-of-state divorce attorney can advise you about the regulations in each state. They can also assist you in negotiating an agreement and revising your parenting plan to accommodate your family’s holiday needs.
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Get Consent
Things can change, people can change their minds, and their priorities might vary. To be on the safe side, it is wise to secure a letter of consent from your former spouse stating when and where you are traveling with your kids.
You don't want to make plans and book planes and hotels only to find out your ex now has a girlfriend and has changed their mind. Besides, a letter of consent can be a legal protection in case a disagreement arises. It will be proof that you did things by the book, and it could be the difference between a happy holiday and a really complicated one.
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Cross State Lines with Caution
One cannot stress it enough: traveling without consent may lead to serious consequences, such as potential kidnapping charges or contempt of court, depending on your custody arrangements.
Custody agreements often include specific restrictions on out-of-state travel. To stay on the side of the law, keep the other parent informed about your plans. If your ex does not consent, you may need to seek temporary modifications to your custody order.
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Consider Travel Costs
Travel can be expensive, and financial circumstances can vary. Anything you can have in writing about who pays for what will always be helpful when navigating divorce. Your parenting plan can state that the cost of travel will be split equally or that the more affluent spouse will cover the expense, whatever suits your family.
In cases where your child may not be able to fly on their own (like a toddler), whoever is in charge of covering the cost of travel, as per the agreement, will have to pay for an extra ticket for an adult to accompany your child. If you leave these details aside when you are negotiating your parenting plan, you are likely in for a lot of headaches.
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Focus on the Children
Whatever arrangement you make, whatever compromise you reach, don’t forget to put the children first. Remember, the holidays are supposed to be a time for peace and love. You want your children to be happy and to have a wonderful holiday season. If you spend too much time arguing with your ex, you might lose sight of what is really important.
The rule of thumb is to ask the children what they want. Are they super excited about spending time with you on your farm in Idaho, or would they rather stay in New York with Mom/Dad? This choice often has nothing to do with your children’s love for you. Maybe they have plans, or they want to hang out with their best friend. Don’t take it personally; you can always find a way to split the holidays so everyone’s happy.
Sometimes, the simplest gestures can work miracles. Allowing time for your kid to connect with the other parent over the phone or with the other side of the family can go a long way in fostering positivity and emotional well-being.
Our experienced child custody lawyers can help protect your rights and your children's rights. Contact us today for a complimentary case assessment.